Cost of Loving Kelly

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.Hisson Mikey used to play soccer with me in the field after church.Remember? I remember.Kurt left when his wife lost her hearing and theyneeded to find a church that had an interpreter.They were at Biblestudy tonight because the Bixlers invited them.Kurt and your dad usedto be really good friends, but they haven t spoken in over a year.Wethought seeing them again was wonderful& at first.Then he jumped inand said& what he said hurt.We never intended on controlling ourchildren when they grew old enough to make their own decisions. Which Hannah and I appreciate. We raised you up in the way we thought you should go theway we thought God would want and for better or worse we allowyou all to make your own choices.Your dad needs time to think of theright way to handle the insults endured tonight.You understand, don tyou?Matt nodded. I hope he ll be all right.He s been distant lately.Other than Sunday football, he hasn t said a word to me in weeks.Iknow my choices are not what he would ve wished for.128 | WADE KELLY It s not just you.Your dad hasn t been right since we buriedJimmy.He was very fond of that boy we all were and his death sbeen hard to get over.And then you made that speech& what you saidabout Jimmy made your dad think& too much.He comes from a veryprejudiced family, but I don t think your father ever considered beingthe recipient of such bigotry. Yeah, I remember how he used to call black people some prettychoice things when I was little.He was downright rude. It wasn t just black folks.Jewish people.Foreign people.Heck,even old people brought out the worst in him.Your dad is old school.Homosexuals are still detestable to him.I m sorry.Matt nodded slowly.Hearing things like this about his father wasnot shocking, yet it hurt to know it might take a while for things to beokay between them. What about you? Are gays detestable? He had toknow where he stood with her. Am I& detestable? Matt, I don t know how I feel right now.I don t want to lie andgive you the answer you want to hear, but I don t want to upset you,either.I m trying.Can that be okay for now? Yeah.I guess it has to be. If he was honest with himself, it wasmore than he expected. Do you still want to watch that movie with mewhen it comes in?She stared blankly for a moment and then answered, You meanBareback Mountain? Yes, I d like that.We can make popcorn andsnuggle on the couch.Matt chuckled. It s called Brokeback Mountain and I m not sureI want to watch it snuggled up on the couch with my mom.No.Separate chairs.Please. Oh, all right. She didn t look too offended. I think it should behere next week.There was a wait or something on Netflix.Matt kissed his mom good night and headed upstairs.The housewas quiet.Hannah was staying with a friend from college over theweekend, and Steven had opted to go to bed early.Matt doubted he wassleeping.He probably had his iPod in hand playing game apps.Matt grinned as he passed Steven s door.He remembered beingsixteen.Life was simpler then, even with his double life.Jamie hadwritten about being sixteen; he didn t think it was easy.THE COST OF LOVING | 129After he brushed his teeth and undressed, Matt grabbed a journalfrom his shirt drawer.2004.Matt could reminisce if he wanted to, andthen put the book back in his drawer.Darian had to live in Jamie sroom, in that house, surrounded by Jamie all the time.Matt wished somuch he could take that burden from him.Darian.He opened the cover and read:August 14, 2004Happy fucking birthday to me!I thought turning sixteen would be a big deal for me.Like maybemy mom would view it as some sort of rite-of-passage and she d treatme different.I guess that only applies to girls, or to moms who give ashit.Obviously my mom couldn t care less; she sent me to my dad s thisweekend; no presents, no cake.I m just some dumb kid who gets in the way.MATT knew 2004 was when everything changed.He felt terrible fornot noticing.Jamie was going through so much, but Matt refused to seeit.He could have helped.He thought he was helping.He tried to talkJamie out of being gay is what he did! He didn t know Jamie wasactively gay; he thought he was going through a phase.Like going tothe gym with Matt, or working on cars with Matt.He thought Jamiementioned being gay because he wanted to be like Matt as he had in allother aspects of his life. Why did I think that? Because I m a self-obsessed asshole,Matt berated himself. Jamie should have said something.Matt looked over at the picture of him and Jamie that sat on hisnightstand the one he always had there.They were arm in arm,beaming from Matt s last victory in track.Matt held up his trophy, andJamie looked as proud as proud could be.Matt felt his cheeks get hot.The emotions were flooding in, but he refused to cry. Fuckin Jamie,he grumbled at the photo. Why d you leave me?130 | WADE KELLYHe knew why, but knowing the truth and accepting the truth don talways coincide.It gnawed at him to think he could have donesomething to stop Jamie s suicide. And poor Dare s probably thinking the same thing he couldhave done something. He sighed. I miss Dare.I should sneak over tosee him whether Dan approves or not.It was easy to have this conversation when no one was in theroom to reply.Matt was letting his feelings get the best of him, whichmade it easier to come up with a plan he d never carry out.He knew heneeded to respect Dan s wishes and Darian s space& for now.IfDarian wanted him there, he would have asked.Matt was sure hewould. Darian.I want to read more about Darian.Matt hopped out of bed and swapped 2004 for 2005.He flippedthough it to the part where Jamie kissed Darian for the first time [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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